So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
