My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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