just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
