Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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