Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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