The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
