Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
