just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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