i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
