you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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