After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
