How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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