The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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