I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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