my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
