My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
