I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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