My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
