I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
