Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
