no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He shit in the fireplace
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
