My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
