i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
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Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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