cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
