Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
