he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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