I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
