I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
