if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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