So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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