Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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