Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
