I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
