We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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