If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
