he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
