it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
