He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
