Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
