Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
