i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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