I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
