I just cut my nipple shaving
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
