3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
