I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
