i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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