Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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