I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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