I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
