can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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