u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
