i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
