how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
