My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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