dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
