Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
