Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
