if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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