What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
